Monday, February 7, 2011

Top 11 Most Ridiculous Bollywood Action Movie Scenes

By ClintonJake | Los Angeles

In case you haven't seen any of these unbelievable clips, India produces the kind of over-the-top action movies that the U.S. can only dream of nowadays. Their throwback Super Action genre shadows most mainstream properties the U.S. is producing and these videos are the reason why. Get ready to have your face blown to pieces with the 11 most ridiculous bollywood action movie clips of all time... for now.

1) Horse Drifting, Tractor Awesomeness

Apparently this film is called "Alluda Mazaaka," and was a smashing success, bringing in over $35 million, which is pretty damn good by any standards. The fact that it was this popular shows just how awesome of a country India actually is.

Please watch this video to see a man put every single scene in Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift to shame. Just absolute, complete shame. Sure, they drifted every kind of Japanese car under the sun. What do they drift in Alluda Mazaaka? Friggin' HORSES.

What's next? Well, for some reason instead of snapping their fingers and wielding knives they comb their hair with, in India what they do is ride tractors around in swamps. So, after a rigorous swamp chase, the second scene of this video comes to a climax after the protagonist finishes splashing everyone in the face. Wait for it... right? Absolutely amazing.

Good to see India's film editors are just as good as their action writers.

2) The Coolest Rescue You Have Ever Seen

When watching Bollywood action films, it's important to take everything you know about physics/logic and throw it out the window along with your sense of suspension of disbelief.

Watch this clip in its entirety, if you value your happiness. It's only a little over a minute long and you will be telling people about it for a long time.

This clip is a perfect demonstration of why America just isn't cutting it in the action department lately.

According to this film, Magadheera, jeeps actually GAIN speed when they encounter large, ramp-shaped rocks and air resistance. Also, a simple raising of the arm is enough to shield one from flying shrapnel that miraculously misses any and all important characters. And as for steering the vehicle- don't worry- it will fly directly into the enemy helicopter as if by magnetic attraction, just as we always did with our action figures.

If life was like this, we would all be absolutely EPIC human beings. This kind of Super-Action is the reason the early 90s HAPPENED. Really glad to see that it's alive and well, just elsewhere.

But that first scene is nothing compared to the rescue at 1:00. Let's take a minute to examine what happens here. The enemy is already standing right next to the edge of the cliff, so he should just throw the girl off, right? Wrong. It would be much better, and awesome, for him to take her hand and run full speed to the other edge, so he can jump off and take her with him. A badass, stupid (but still badass), villain. Why does this work? Well, most likely because she WANTS to die- or, I'm assuming she does because she runs right along with him, providing no resistance at all to what will be her death.

Literally all she has to do is go limp, but no, she runs along with the psychopath, almost off a cliff. Amazing.

This is one of the single greatest clips in the history of all our lives. Enjoy.

3) The Best Shot in The East

Guys in Indian action movies are AMAZING shots. Like, AMAZING. Taking the almost-literal shotgun approach to foiling an ENTIRE ENEMY JET PLANE, this Fidel Castro look-alike fires two shots in order to hit two VERY specific points on the plane in order to take it down.

Watch the clip.

Apparently, anything's possible when it's you versus a computer-generated plane that you don't even flinch at because you're that motherfucking awesome.

Good thing those guys jumped out, that was definitely safer than just staying in the plane and toughing it out until it came to a complete stop.

BONUS: The fact that this guy is wearing wife beater sunglasses along with a mustache that lets you know he's a real man

4) Superman Ain't Got Nothing on Moustache

This is probably the best example of how ridiculous this genre is, and why you should share it with your children.

Before you read what happens, watch it in the video embedded here. THIS is what is missing from pretty much every Superman movie ever made. Why has nobody ever done this?

Here's what happens:
This man is shot in the chest, and NOT ONLY does the bullet deflect off his chest with a "ping" sound (scorching his shirt slightly, of course), but it flies back and takes out the man who shot it. Genius.

5) It's Like The Matrix, Only More Badass

This one reminds me of the opening scene of the Bejing Olympics, because everyone knows karate.

It's basically a real-life version of that scene in the Matrix (shitty sequel) where Neo takes out like 1203984203984 Agent Smiths.

It all starts at 1:05 when the bad guy grabs the girl (noticing a theme here?)

What happens next is every guy in the gym is after the bad guy, but, even together, they can't stop him, which is amazing.

They also pull a move which is central to the personality of this piece and which American movies NEVER do: they film from the POV of a character... and include his hair. Eat THAT, America!

I would think that a guy could at least pull his leg out from behind or something, or maybe they should probably stop taking turns.

Anyone else get the bowling metaphor at 1:46? Deep.

This clip, although it even looks as fake as "pro" wrestling (sorry 60 million people who watch it), is absolutely awesome. Why? Because this character is just that badass and puts the main guy from No Country For Old Men to shame.

Reminder to self: get shoes that blow air.

6) Evil Americans vs Awesome Indian Guy

In pure chivalrous tradition, this man defends a damsel in distress from evil, rude and overzealous Americans (cause c'mon, we're all like that right?)

You can tell something big's about to go down at 0:27, when you can just feel the "Oh, HELL no" look on the guy's face.

He proceeds to beat the bad guys by splashing condiments in their faces, which for some reason burn like acid, and with a severely overdramatized table throw at 0:48.

And just when you think he's done for, he comes back from the dead at 1:05. Not really, though. I mean, if I was in a fight, I wouldn't just leave the guy after I threw him over a counter. That usually doesn't knock people out. But oh well, guess that's why I'm not in Bollywood fight scenes, as I would inevitably the guy getting his ass kicked.

For a bonus, just go to 0:55.

7) Most Awesome Cigarette Lighting Ever

No wonder all my Indian friends smoke

Check the video out on here .

This just goes to show that big Tobacco has it all wrong.

Instead of running ad campaigns featuring some lame cowboy, or spending tons of money developing a cigarette with a little menthol burst that can be activated by crushing it, they should just hire Bollywood film producers to make their commercials for them.

If I were about 10 years old, this video would single-handedly overwrite everything D.A.R.E. taught me about smoking. It's that freakin' awesome and he just looks that freakin' cool.

BONUS: mustaches would probably come back.

8) Coolest Bottle Drinker in the World

God, I wish I could open bottles with my fingers. Make things a WHOLE lot easier.

Watch this amazing clip of just how badass a guy who can throw a mean bottle can be (also, how badass a man who doesn't leave a BIT of backwash in his bottles can be).

Anyway, this clip shows a man who should be an NFL quarterback (despite his stomach/mustache) chucking a recently-chugged soda bottle at a villain's head as he runs away.

From a good 50 feet, the throw is a direct hit, and smashes on the guy's head, rolling his eyes back and knocking him out.

Following this, there's a brilliantly-choreographed fight scene in which a man stops a knife attack with his teeth, somehow not pulling a Steve-O and cutting the corners of his mouth with it (chapstick anybody?)

Walker, Texas Ranger could learn a thing or two from real Indians, not the Native Americans who raised him.

9) Man Lightly Kicks Everyone To Another Dimension

If this man played soccer, India would not only participate in the World Cup, but they would win it every time. And the world would rejoice.

If Danny Devito's character in Matilda had action scenes, this is what they would like like, only these are more awesome (somehow.)

The man is ambushed by several enemies in the video who just can't seem to land a punch on him. The best part is the streetlight to the back at 0:35. Way to take a page out of Marvel.

However, at 2:16, he meets a man he has to have an actual fighting exchange with (which is what you call those, right?)

The two deal each other blows until our hero remembers that he has the leg strength of Jesus Christ himself and vanquishes his foe with a kick to the back (or three, depending on how you interpret the editing.)

10) Unstoppable

This one is another fight scene with an absolutely impervious hero, because in India, that is the only kind that exist. They would basically take 90s Stallone, Schwarzenegger and Willis to the back of a van and "give them candy" until the cows came home... and then they would make them fight the cows.

Everything the guy in this clip does does seems to be multiplied by 10, as if he has an emerald from Sonic the Hedgehog in him, and everything his opponents do seems to be in absolute slow mo. Honestly, this is just getting ridiculous now.

Check out 1:17 where we all learn that, apparently, trampolines can be made out of wood.

11) Super Effects Hero

Fast-forward to 2:00 in this clip if you're in a hurry.

This super-hero has the super-human ability to jump super-long distances without getting a super-head-start. But actually, I think he has the power to attach himself to ropes and fast-forward the clip so it looks like that's what he can do.

At least Christopher Reeve made it look less obvious, man... and at least he actually waved to kids. Also, this guy looks like an Indian Ultimate Warrior.

BONUS: Here's something I've never understood: why is it that when heroes, who are obviously moving a LOT faster than the vehicles they are saving the kids from, save kids from trucks, buses or cars in movies, they don't dislocate their shoulders or accidentally sever their spines? It would make sense with the insane whiplash the kids would experience. Just a thought.

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